Hidden Eyes

Is it possible that Ihave been wrongfor 8 years? And for almost 20 years? Yes, and yes.

I think I already wrote about this, but in 8th grade, I became interested in Wicca. My parents found out and forbid me. You would think that would have made me do it more… usually it does. But I allowed them to scare me. And I stayed unhappy for the past 20 years in the religion I was raised in. It never made sense to me, and no one could answer my questions satisfactorly.

Then there’s my fascination with Dragonflies. For the past 8 years, I have been surrounding myself with them. In home decor, jewelry, tattoos, painting and drawing, ect, ect. I can’t tell you exactly why I am sodrawn to them.But I have been for years. To me, they stood for positive things. But… it turns out I was wrong. Very wrong. And now, I can’t even bring myself to wear the necklace. The one that I bought and started wearing last week because I was being drawn to do so.

When I started looking into Wicca again this fall, everything made sense. Well, most of it. It just feels right. And the things I’ve done with it have seemed in perfect harmony with what I should be doing. I feel the power of the Goddess drawing me in. I know that I have to trust the process, but it’s not easy. I suppose that’s where the “perfect love and perfect trust” comes in to play. I know that I have a long way to go with this, but I am trying to have thee perfect love and perfect trust from the beginning. Becasue if I can’t, what’s the point?

According to my Witches Datebook, dragonfly culture is filled with violence and rape. That is NOT what I want to be associated with. They also have short life spans. So, maybe I’m destined to repeat my past over and over until my short life is over??

Symbolisim of Dragofly…. Quoted from www.whats-your-sign.com

“Dragonflies carry messages that deal with deeper thought – and they ask that we pay attention to our deeper thoughts and desires.

Further symbolic insect meaning of dragonfly comes into play when we observe the dragonfly’s mode of transportation as it skitters across the top of water surfaces. This implies that our deeper thoughts are surfacing and we must be mindful of the outcome we wish to have.

The dragonfly is a reminder that when our deeper thoughts rise to the surface we must pay attention – there are lessons to be learned, and we are also reminded that what we think is directly proportionate to what we “see on the surface.” …In short, our thoughts (even the deeper ones that we might not be as in-touch with as we are with our conscious thoughts) are responsible for what we see in our lives – in our physical surroundings.

The dragonfly gives us a very powerful meditation tool. Close your eyes, and focus on a thought – let it rise to the surface of your mind’s ocean – see that thought float lightly up to the water’s surface. Now upon the top of a smooth, calm glass-like surface – visualize that thought moving across that water – sliding across – smooth and fast.

This exercise is useful when we want to visualize positive outcomes in a situation. We see the thought of hope happily moving across an ocean of peace (peaceful mind) and skitting to a perfect outcome.

Lastly it should be noted that the Dragonfly lives a short life, and it knows it must live to the fullest with what it has. This lesson is huge for each of us. When you see a dragonfly, be aware of the gifts it has to offer by keeping its animal totem meanings in mind.”

http://www.whats-your-sign.com/animal-symbolism-dragonfly.html

So that’s a good thing, right? Sure…. except that I am still stuck on the negative. That’s not something I can just forget. I’ve been meditating a lot lately. Every night before I go to bed. Last night, I took my necklace off as soon as T had me read that passage. She asked me to meditate on it after we talked about it. I resisted at first, but she threatened to bring J in to it if  I didn’t. So, I gave in. And I meditated. My green candle burned red, anger, brown, vesel for changing color, black, void or empty, orange, conflicted (which T says is the important part of last night) back to red, and then black when I gave up, blew it out, and went to bed.

There comes a time when it’s just time to move on. From where ever you are, and whatever you are doing. I’ve reached that point. It’s time for me to move on. Actually, it’s past time for me to move on. I’ve known it for a while, just haven’t done it. Now it’s time to do it. Just suck it up and do what needs to be done.

Why is it so hard to do the right thing?? They say it’s because it’s hard to know what the right thing is. But that’s not the case. Because I know what the right thing is, and still can’t do it. Why not, you ask? I don’t know. Because it’s hard, but that doesn’t make it ok to not do it.

Time is running out, I’m going to have to come up with a final decision soon. In the mean time I need to figure out how I am paying back what I owe, having the money I need for the next 2 weeks, and providing Christmas for my family. I don’t know why I expect  this year to be any different from years past, but it’s harder this year. I truly do not know how I am going to pull it off. Guess I should have made my decisions before now….

To quote my FB status… …I hate what has to happen but sometimes you just have to suck it up and deal with it.

My car is finally done. That’s the good news. The bad news is that they charged me labor without telling me they were going to. And while I don’t think I should have to pay it, I still have to come up $350 to get my car back tomorrow. My best friends are writing the check to cover it. I can’t stand that. They said consider it a Christmas gift. I refuse. I will have $300 back to them in 2 weeks, and the other $50 from my first paycheck after the new year. However, I’m still going to owe another friend the moeny. He’s more able to help, and wants me to consider it a gift as well, but I can’t do that. But, I do know that it’s ok if I pay it back over time.

I just want to know when the hell things are going to start getting better and stay that way. For every step forward it seems like I take three back. Yep, not just two, but three. So, no wonder I can’t ever get ahead. Finacially, emotionally, literally, at work, no matter what aspect we are talking about, I’m always going backwards.

I won’t lie, the desire to die is still there. Am I acting on it? No… I have two more weeks of my promised 30 days at J and T’s. However, I did do something that ended up cutting me last night. And it felt good. REALLY good. J said I was allowed to run the steel brush over my arm. I think he was betting on it hurting and me stopping after once. Yeah…. that didn’t happen. Bet he wasn’t counting on me continuing to do it until I couldn’t stand it any more, and then doing it again.

And not only did I end up with cuts, but I got rust in it. I admit, I hadn’t counted on that. But, it’s just an added bonus. Why? Because it makes it hurt more. And that’s the goal. Pain. I don’t care what anyone says. It helps. It makes me feel better. I bruised the hell out of my hand hitting a board. But the best part is the blood. That moment right before it starts to bleed, when you can see it coming up in timy little beads. That’s the best. When the blood fl0ws is theraputic too, but I couldn’t get it to that point last night.

What I really want to do now is cut. I can’t tell you how very much I want to cut. I NEED to cut. It’s the only thing that is going to make me feel better right now. But I can’t. Not with where I am. It’s not an option. So what the hell and I supposed to do? How do I deal with this and get through it? If there was a way to do it and get away with it, I would. I gaurantee it. But I don’t know how to do that. If he catches me I’m in a world of trouble. And then there is the other fundamental issue….. That if I started I wouldn’t be able to stop in time. Every time I do it, I need to go deeper, farther, more. And even if I didn’t intend to die at the time, it would eventuallly happen because the release is getting harder and harder to get. And yet, it’s still cutting that I want to do, that’s going to make me feel better. How messed up is that??

Tbe night is the only time I feel safe these days. Something about the cover of darkness makes me feel better. I don’t like the feeling of being exposed. I hate that I’m transparent to people. And while it’s not really that many people, it is more than I thought.

But the question I really want answered is why is it that I can deal with pain so severe that I pass out without crying or showing weakness, but now the mental pain is getting the best of me? Maybe this is why I cut. Today I was told that I am not allowed to hit brick walls either. But, I found the loophole. It wasn’t actually a brick wall that I hit. It was concrete steps. And I wasn’t told I couldn’t them anymore.

I know my last post covered this, but why is it that the people who are the most important to you are the ones that you let down the most? Why is it that I am so unable to be here for my best friend when she needs me the most? She means the world to me. I don’t think she realizes how important she is to me. But I don’t feel like I have been any help to her at all. And I don’t mean just now. I mean at all. And that tears me up inside. More proof that I am an utter disappointment to everyone who is important to me. I’m going to miss her so much.

I feel like I am screaming at the top of my lungs but nothing is coming out. Every thing I do to try and get ahead back fires on me. I am just getting paid tonight and I will already be down to $100. How does that work? Well…. whatever. I suppose that’s life.

My therapist told me today that I need to  be nice to myself. She says I am too hard on myself. T said while it is obvious that I am mad at him that I am beyond mad at myself. She agrees that I am too hard on myself. I don’t agree.

I want to get through this. I really do. But I am already panicing about the other side. I keep telling T she would be better off without me. She says that’s not true, but it is. She’s been here for me way more than I’ve been here for her. And now she needs me more than ever and I don’t feel like I am able to be the support she needs. I feel like I have let her down beyond belief. And that kills me. She’s my best friend in the entire world. The best friend I’ve ever had or ever will have. She’s been here for me every step of the way, and I haven’t been able to return the favor. So yeah…. she would be better without me.

But I do realize that it’s not the answer. My boys would not be better off without me. That was obvious when I went home to check on them and get some more stuff today. I miss them.

That is the million dollar question. I haven’t quite figured it out. Yeah, I know people say there is a solution on the horizion. But like said in a previous post, I can’t see it through the waves. And everytime I think something is going to resolve, it blows up in my face. I really truly don’t know how much more I can take.

Today is a bad day for me. It’s the anniversary of the date I basically sealed my fate with him. And yeah, before you say it, I know… “It’s just a date.” But as T pointed out to me yesterday, it’s “just a date” the same way a birthday is just a date. The  same way a wedding anniversary is just a date. The same way holidays are just a date.

I promised T and J 30 days. At the end of that, all bets are off. I can’t keep riding this roller coaster. It’s slowly killing me anyway.

It’s been a week today that my shrink doubled my dose of lamictal. Tomorrow will be a week that I’ve been taking the doubled dose. 150 mg in the morning and 150mg at night. Can I notice the difference? Yes. Not as much as I would have thought, but it’s only been a week. The problem? Lamictal makes me tired. So bad that I was fighting to keep my eyes open on Sunday. J put me on a 12 hour schedule for it. 7 and 7. That’s the latest I go to work, so I can take it once I’m there, not before I have to drive. My regular doctor said the tiredness WILL go away. Well, completely probably not, it’s always made me tired, but enough so I can function again. I took it at about 7:30 today, and now at 9:23 I am ready to go to sleep. The difference from a week ago is that I can manage to work through it this time. Of course, it doesn’t help that I only got like 4 hours of sleep last night.

My brother sent me a pic of my youngest cat this morning. It was dark, and the flash made his eyes glow. The caption? If you don’t pet me I’ll get you with my laser eyes! It made me laugh.

I forgot my Prozac and Dexilant (that one’s for GERD’s) last night. I remembered the Lamictal, because it is basically getting ingrained in my head that I need to be on a 12 hour schedule for that. The rest I usually take with my night dose, but for some reason I forgot. I think because I had the girls and A was still sick, and of  course L wants my attention any time I’m here. And that’s fine. So, I took my Prozac this morning. I’ve taken it at night as long as I have been on it, so I don’t know if that is contributing to the tiredness this morning also or not.

My standard question from J (multiple times a day) is Are you ok or How are you feeling? This morning I got the how are you feeling version. I said ok, and he said I seemed better than I was last night. He also told me that he knew I wasn’t ok last night. He let it slide, but he knew. Damn them for knowing… I can’t get anything past him or T!

“Forever and ever the scars will remain; I’m falling apart, leave me here forever in the dark” – Breaking Benjamin, Give me a sign

That’s the way I feel. My mind is going a mile a minute. Make that 5 miles a second. I can’t shut it off, I can’t make it think happy thoughts. No matter what, it feels like I am in the dark. And all alone. It’s like I keep hearing that there is a light switch, but I can’t find it. And despite their efforts, no one can help me find it. They say it’s there, they give me solutions, but if I’ve learned anything it’s that things do not work out for me.

I know what you’re thinking…. that I have a self-defeating attitude. And yeah, maybe I do. Amazing what years of experience will teach you.

In just three days it will be the anniversary of one of the worst days of my life. And despite everything everyone is trying to do for me, I don’t know how to deal with that. I don’t know how to cope and get through it. I can’t make myself forget and I can’t make myself not think about it.

And the worst part? It’s not actually the worst day. It was the day before Thanksgiving, 1995. It’s the day I pissed him off beyond all belief. And it’s the day I sealed my fate. He let me go…. only because I could not get around not being home for Thanksgiving and he knew it. But by the end of the day, I was back with him. And so began the worst days of my entire life. Not only to date, but in the future too. Yes, I can gaurentee that. And if you knew what I went through, you would agree.

Yes…. there IS a fate worse than death. And I have lived through it. So, death doesn’t always seem like that bad of an option compared to what I’ve already been through. Even if I somehow, miraciously manage to work through my issues, the scars WILL remain. And there is nothing anyone can do to change that. And not just the mental scars, the physical ones too. I can’t get rid of those, and they will forever be a reminder of the mental scars. No matter what. No matter how much medication I’m on, no matter how much time passes, no matter how much work I do with a therapist, shrink, or friend. No one can make it right. And no one can make me feel better.

I miss my cats like crazy…. my brother said Chance slept at his head and Roo slept on him. That made me smile. Mischief probably slept on my bathrobe on the floor. I know him. And he is getting more and more mad that I am not there. I guarantee it. Yeah, I know that I can’t spell tonight. They are keeping me going. I stand by my belief that Chance and Roo would adapt with the proper home. But Mischief would not. And I can’t do that to him. I can not sentence him to death. I love him too much.

And yes, I know what it would it do to my best friend. At least I know what they say it would do. I don’t believe either one of them. I believe she would be better off without me.

Yeah, I know what they would say if they read this. But that’s ok because I still wouldn’t believe them.

My anxiety is through the roof. Yes, it comes and goes. But it’s been going for shorter periods of time. I can not tell you how much I hate this feeling. And how much I can not stand to rely on others. Despite what T tells me.

They say everything happens for a reason. If that’s the case, then my death would happen for a reason too.

“I find it kind of funny and I find it kind of sad, the dreams in which I’m dying are the best I’ve ever had.” – Gary Jules, Mad World

I first part of this song on an episode of CSI years ago… and I do mean years, I was still married! It took a while to find out what the song was without having any information on it. I saved the lyrics because it resonated with me so deeply. Then, my computer crashed. I’ve been without this laptop for a year. I forgot about the song.  Recently, Dan fixed my computer for me. I was going through the favorites in my browser and I found it. The link I had was no longer valid, but I found another set of lyrics and bought the audio for the version I like. (Don’t care for the Tears for Fears version) So, I bought it. Now it’s playing over and over on my computer. Do you know the song? If not, I highly suggest you find lyrics and/or audio.

I don’t know why I am still feeling like this. T came and sat with me when I was crying last night. As much as I HATE to admit it, that’s what I needed. So if you’re reading this, thank you. Then J came in and we talked. By the time they went to bed I was calmer but not really feeling better.

Today, I had their oldest home sick. And she needed me, and I was there for her, but I still had thoughts of self injury running through my head all day. WTF???!?

J keeps telling me to tell myself that there is a solution on the horizion, but I can’t see the sunrise through the waves.

Things were so bad this weekend that I was ready to end it all. The only thing left for me to do was make sure I had someone to take care of my boys. That was Saturday. I was brought to my best friends house. Sunday I got horrible news and actually started saying good-bye to people.

The reason I’m still here? Two fold….. One, I saw the potential effect on my best friend and her family. Also my cats…. 2 would adapt, 1 would not. Two, I made a deal with my best friends husband. I promised him 30 days to work with me and help me learn to control my anxiety, and I’ve been at their house ever since. I’m here for the duration, I’m not even allowed to go home without them. Yep, I get supervised visitation with my boys!

I was feeling better, but not so much anymore. I can not pinpoint a reason why I feel like this still, but I’m ready to be done. I would never do anything in their house, and yet things were so bad today that I actually took one of the Tylenol 3 with Codiene I was prescribed to help ease the need for self injury.

I can not stand that I can’t even pin point the reason I am still wanting to go. I just got good news on the bad situation from this weekend, and even that made me cry. I can’t stand needing anyone…. and here I am, dependant on so many people.

So wouldn’t it just be easier to say fuck it???